Season Change

Purifying

It is October, and the season's changed...

First, for everyone following my blog, I would like to say thank you. Are You Listenin’ was very hard for me to start though I had been tossing the idea of it around for some time. I was reserved because I was so concerned with being misunderstood, but I now enjoy the freedom of having a platform on which I am able to share my creativity. I don’t usually choose to post much other than poetry, but it is important for me to share a few thoughts as the scene changes in my life.

With the recent passing of my Mother whom I most adored, I’ve been faced with so many complex issues, difficult decisions, and heart-breaking realities. Even though I have known for months my mom’s house was to be sold and that this was the only way to do what we need to close up my mother’s final business, it seems that it is only now that I am beginning to feel the weight and the heavy reality that very soon, we will have no claim to that physical memory. It is merely painful to lose my mom and what she worked so hard for so close in proximity to one another. I have loving family around me, but I still feel so isolated at times, and this numbs me. She was the nucleus of my life; she laid my foundation, and now she has gone away. And the world is moving on without her--this should be impossible, but this forces me to have to continue. For the most part, I am always trying to remain outwardly happy, but I’m still mourning deeply inside.

On my commute into work this morning, I was thinking about all the things that I love about my mom’s house. All the times my sister and I got into trouble… I’ll share one story I find particularly enjoyable; well, it was embarrassing to me at the time though. I guess I was like, nine or ten years old. One time, I tried to run from my mother because she was going to pull out that belt and wear me out for something I had done, and we were standing in our living room as she was fussing at me. Just as she gets the belt out of the hallway closet, I jet out of the front door and tried to make it down to the end of the block, but she ran out the door behind me yelling. This caught attention of our neighbor Ms. Harris two houses down, and I was running toward her—intending pass her--as she worked on her flower bed in the front yard. By the time I made it to her fence, Mrs. Harris had yanked my up by the collar of my shirt and was holding me still as my mother jogged towards me as I unsuccessfully attempted to free myself of her grip (it takes a village, lol). This really pissed my mother off, so she decided to get that belt crackalackin' as soon as she yanked me free of my neighbor and half dragged me up the street-- my legs flailing wildly trying to walk and dodge the licking leather at the same time. My mom always told me that if I acted up in school, she would come up there and whoop my behind right in front of my class. I always believed her, too.

Every day I go on because I have to. I know that what I am experiencing is what too many have endured and what many more will endure someday, but knowing that this pain exists within others lessens mine none. I smile and play nice, act measured, affable and unaffected, and successfully execute my duties within the routine of my life, but there are so many holes in me now. I’m learning to live with some of them, but others will ache forever.

I want to stretch my hand out and touch peace, allowing it to wash over me, leaving me drenched in tranquility…

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